things are changing
5 May 2020 8:52 pm
Things are changing.
I am changing.
Change is good, but it’s also scary.
But we all need clarity.
I felt depressed, lonely, anxious, afraid… for months. And finally, I’m starting to feel better. I did my best to take my negative emotions and put them into art, spirituality, and learning more about myself. I dug deep into my shadows to try to heal from everything I was hurting from. At first, that made things worse. A lot worse. But eventually, it made things a lot better. I knew going into all of this that this has been a hard couple of months for everyone, but I learned that it was still okay for me to not be okay… that I shouldn’t have to cover up my emotions for the sake of others. And that’s the case for all the time, not just during a pandemic. You should never have to pretend like you’re doing great if you’re not.
When I finally acknowledged how I felt… I felt worse… and then I felt better. I felt worse because I was releasing feelings that I didn’t even know were there. And how did I find them? Through art, through meditation, through journaling, through a lot of self-reflection. And realizing some of those thoughts and feelings was hard for me. I don’t think I’d ever dug that deep into myself like that before. But I’m grateful I did, it’s changed my entire outlook on how to process my emotions - and I wish this was something I could explain to you, I wish I could share with you just how I was able to dive this deep into my thoughts and feelings like I never have before - but I just don’t know how to explain it at all.
All I’d like to let you know is, that it’s entirely possible to get to the guts of your feelings, you just have to want to. To really want to. We’re unconsciously suppressing all sorts of things, all the time, and they can be hard to uncover… especially if deep down we know that we’d find things we didn’t want to find. We’d come to realize things we weren’t quite ready to realize. And that’s okay. Getting to this point was a huge step in my growth and I was pushed to this point through massive heartbreak, confusion, and anger. Maybe it wouldn’t take that much for everyone, but regardless I’m glad it’s something I went through. I’m glad I was able to get through so much more pain than I ever thought I could handle, to get to the part where I’m starting to feel better. I’m glad I was finally able to get clarity and shed light on a lot of things going on in my life (or not going on in my life). Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts sometimes and I’m still learning to cope with a lot. My heart is still broken. But I’ve accepted all of these things, and I’m excited to say that I’m really excited about my future and life in general now. I feel like the last few weeks/months, I haven’t felt like myself at all, but now I realize that I have come to feel like myself more than I ever have before. I have a new sense of confidence, light, and energy towards the future and what it has in store for me. No, it’s not going to be perfect, but I know now that I’m strong enough to handle the toughest of times and come out an even stronger person at the end of it all. This is what growth is. We go through some tough shit, and it sucks and it feels like your world has shattered, but then you realize it all meant something, and you’re better because of it.